Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My truck.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
Why don’t Ant Eaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty bodies.
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
A Polish man moves to America and marries an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "NO, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read — it says, 'Polish Remover.'"
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]
His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute." All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another. The prosecution says: "she didn't walk in." "But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt." The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty. "How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?" The lawyer says. One juror says: "In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn't look at the door even once."
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.