Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him. The guy looks at his situation…and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!" Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might". The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head. The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop. The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief. Then the voice from above speaks again.."NOW you're fucked".
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
Сафари парк львов Тайган
https://ift.tt/33T3qd9
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
Obi Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
I renamed my IPod to Titanic.
It’s syncing.
What do they say in Paris, TX?
Oui-haw!
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Just look for the fresh prints.
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.