courtesy of my uncle
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?
When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store…
Clothes, but no cigar.
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
We named him Carson.
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
