Courtesy of the family groupchat
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
“Son, you’re adopted”.
Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!". Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well". Son: "Well I did have my suspicions". Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
Why are cows bad at dancing?
They lactose.
This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself…
my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said "That won't help" I said "Yes it will, now I can see the numbers"
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Hope this reaches my target audience
Hope this reaches my target audience
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
I’m bisexual
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why