**Covid 19 exists** … meanwhile in Portugal
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
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90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
The world ended when I kissed an alpaca.
It was the alpaca-lips.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
Is it just me or are circles pointless
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Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
How many “friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
Boys… I think it’s about time I call it a night.
I’m an adult now, I can’t keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
Do you need an ark?
I Noah guy.
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.