Covid 19 Neighborhood Post
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
To be frank
Iβll have to change my name.
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Iβll be right back." "Thatβs better, but itβs still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Would you remarry if I die……
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question…. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: — silence — HUSBAND: "Shit."
I made a website for orphans
Thereβs no home page
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
RIP to longtime βthe Price is Rightβ host Bob Barker
Heβs still alive, but heβs 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
Coleβs Law
Dad: βHave you hear of Murphyβs Law?β Unsuspecting Victim: βYesβ Dad: βHave you heard of Coleβs Law?β Unsuspecting Victim: βNoβ Dad: βIt is thinly sliced cabbageβ
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
Itβs over easy
Pink Pantherβs to do list
To do To do To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo
Iβve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
What’s the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why donβt you use a sponge like the other dads?
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
Iβve started saying βmuchoβ to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn’t know why the U.S. deported him there.
Can you imagine Hispanic?
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
Dust
[Removed]
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Dad : βI need to call the doctor today.β Mom : βWhich doctor?β
Dad : βNo, the regular kind.β
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."