COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
The wife asked if she could wear one of my wife beaters today…
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming โIโm Wei Tu Yungโ. Like I was supposed to know the name.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
Iโm reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
https://ift.tt/38nW58h
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But Iโm pretty sure she was hitting on me
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
My dad told me โDonโt be quick to find faultsโ
Great man, terrible geologist
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Scottish Humor
Itโs called a โKiltโ because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. ๐
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Becauseย Recyclingย old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle โป
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, โHow the fuck would I know, you idiot? Iโm not a weatherman,โ before slamming down the receiver.
โWho was that?โ asks his wife. โWrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.โ