COVID19 Protocol
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
The canoe store has a big sale last week.
It was quite the oar deal.
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
“But they relate to my struggles!” screamed the temporarily embarrassed millionaire
https://ift.tt/2QFbJVP
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up…
They’d be alloys!
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
Attitude Adjustment
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except for the movie Up. He's never gonna give you Up.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
Why don’t Kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take things literally.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
Technically, national anthems are just country music.
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It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
