Crayon drama.
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
![funny how that works [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/murzd2e0w3351-400x391.jpg)
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
The only date I have for Valentine’s Day
Is February 14th.
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
Three men go to hell and they’re pissed
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Im so bored sitting at home that I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
Why do fish always sing off key ?
You can’t tuna fish
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren’t silent. They’re just waiting their turn.
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality GERMAN EDITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVGRclcGnsY&t=22s
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
A mathematician wakes from a nightmare in which he encountered a creature with only one eye.
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
[Warning: 18+]
19.
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
I
J
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
https://ift.tt/2SdIw5C
