Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
Believe What I Say, Not What I Do
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
my english teacher: *laughs in boomer*
Get it? because it’s a vector
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
The comment is worse
Thank you guys, you are the real heroes
Such funny “adult” humor
Junior is trying to fix a bug…
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Now all they can eat are rubber gloves.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.
The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”
[At the chameleon store]
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
Math is hard
Ice Cream Theft on Live TV
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
My face while I’m fixing bugs…
Santa is at the verge of homelessness.
Luminous plasma in a magnetic field.
Get Used To It
Trading places (1983) a classic
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
What does a house wear to a party?
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
Deep boomer revelation
Well yes but actually no
Tech breaking maths
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
He do be lookin fresh in that vest doe.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
When you try out a new language
I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
A prodigy classic.
Can’t think of a title that’s not political
I gotta find the optimal solution somehow. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Reverse Social distancing
It’s all going according to plan
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
Thinly veiled racism; it’s the American way.