Crazy right?
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
Reddit is like anal sex
You dont know how it works for the first time, It can be painful and time consuming, But if done correctly you start enjoying it later. AND ITS NOT FOR EVERYONE.
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
Told my friend I wanted a cup of coffee.
He said, "One sugar?" I said, "Yes, just the one cup. And don't call me sugar."
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
My friend asked me, βIs sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?β
I said, βI donβt notice a vas deferens.β
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
What do you call a deaf dog?
Doesnβt matter, he ainβt coming.
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
Itβs annoying, but Iβm a big fan.
A man decided to attend his friend’s funeral. He approached his friend’s widow and after a consoling hug said “Plethora”.
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother
For $10 worth of bitcoin B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin? T: I just want to start investing for college? B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you. T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for? B: I gave you $15.43, just like you asked. T: Okay, hopefully my $13.86 price will go up. B: No problem, Timmy. $4.31 isn't that much for me.
What’s a priest’s favorite type of video game?
Early-access
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
βDoctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnβt bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, Iβve farted at least ten times since Iβve been here in your office. You didnβt know I was farting because it doesnβt smell and is silent.β The doctor says, βI see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.β The next week the lady returns. βDoctor,β she says, βI donβt know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.β βGood,β the doctor says. βNow that weβve cleared up your sinuses, letβs work on your hearing.β
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers βMost people feel the same way you do Comrade, but youβll be safer if you stand up.β
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
I have the heart of a lion…
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently thatβs not how you grade exams.
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the womenβs husband came home and shot him dead
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
βThere isnβt a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,β she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow thatβs fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.