Credit to Nathan Pyle
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?” The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time.
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
I tripped over my girlfriends bra
seemed to be a booby trap.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
