Credit to u/insolentswine but I though it belonged here
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
Knock knock, who’s there?
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
Oh Grandpa
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?” He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
What is the phobia of chainsaws called?
Common Sense
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
I tried to makeup a joke about shopping.
Does discount?
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled… "SUPPLIES!!"
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."