Credit to u/marchionetta
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Pulled on a door that required a push,
should have handled that better.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
If you boil a funny bone what does it become?
A laughing stock!
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
One cosy Friday evening, my girlfriend said she wanted to watch Grease.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – It’s ok. I can stop anytime
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake….
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. EDIT: holy crap this is my most upvoted post. Thank you all!
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
Everyone thinks I’m weird because I’m addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But that’s just Hawaii roll.
My mum used to say that the best way to a mans heart was through his stomach
She was a good woman… Terrible surgeon though
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
