Creepy Joe
I’ve opened a barber shop for rabbits.
We only do hare cuts.
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
A Canadian..
Can't.
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
Apparently the inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funeral is next monkey.
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey…
The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man. The man, confused, asks to the bartender… -What the hell is this? -Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monkey So the guy looks for the piano player and shouts… -Hey! Do you know why your fucking monkey sunk his balls in my goddam whiskey? -Not by the title, but if you can sing it a little bit I'm sure I can make it work
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So… How do you guys do when you need to have sex? -There is a donkey close to the river for that. The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells: -What you doing!? -Aren't we…? Going to do the donkey thing? -We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women. EDIT: That's the first time I ever got gold, thank you!
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
I threw my iPhone into a lake the other day and…
…it’s still syncing.
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..
..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water. After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales. All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling. A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women. After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening. "Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there. The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before. With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel. Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?" "Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face. "Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day