Cries in broke
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
They are show shellfish.
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
What did the Dalai Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
… Make me one with everything.
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.