Cries in elecron
He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo. So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo. Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo. On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building! So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?" So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what? There's no punchline.
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
But my doctor just said B positive
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says – “Talking dog for sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??" "Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that.
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”
Do you see what I see?
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
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Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E. Me: damnit, this is a Luigi board
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test…
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
Deep down they're really good people
All of them.