*cries in silent killers
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
I just got into a car accident!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He’s a small arms dealer.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
I just had a physical, the doctor said “don’t eat anything fatty”
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds’.
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
Uno, dos… poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said “yes!”
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
“Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long?”
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
I panicked thinking I was gonna be fired cause I nailed my bosses daughter.
Then I became calm realizing I am self employed.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building. Security stops him and says,
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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