My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar
Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “No.” Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.” A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?” Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “Hell yeah!” Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
I’ve just got back from Schizophrenics Anonymous.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
Daughter going through coupons for shopping trip.
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms
Needless to say, I’m not a big fan.
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter: "Dear Sir: Please find enclosed a complimentary pirate's costume. The handkerchief can cover your bald head if you'd like, and with your wooden leg you will be a great pirate. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another package and a letter, which says: "Dear Sir: We are quite sorry about the misunderstanding. Please find enclosed a monk costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes" Now the man is really upset, since they have gone from using his wooden leg to using his bald head! So again he writes the company another letter of complaint, being particularly nasty about how they've failed to meet both conditions with their previous attempts. The next week he gets a much smaller package and a note, which reads: "Dear Sir: You will find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Faye's Costumes"
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
No text found
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
Inside the mind of an HR representative: You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside the mind of an HR representative:
You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
Why didn’t Barbie get pregnant?
Ken came in another box
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.