Cripple homicide
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
I’m pretty bad at building fences..
I guess that's why I'm always reposting.
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
[NSFW] Squeeze and Tug
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
why do ducks wear pants?
so you don't see their butt-quack!
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
https://ift.tt/2L8kSTD
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?
Talk about head over heels!