Cross-Platform Puns
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.
It's called "wedding cake."
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camoflauge jacket..
You can hide, but you cant run
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
engrained
engrained
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
What’s worse than a loading animation?
Two loading animations!
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…