Crosspost from BoneAppleTea. I feel it belongs. Sorry if it’s a repost.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
Should win a no-bell prize
I said “Is that a fret”
they'd eventually find me attractive.
I almost choked on my own cock
A yes horse.
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
But I turned myself around.
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic: There isn't any iceberg. There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean. The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon. There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg. We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly. The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg. We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them. We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors. Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats. I really don't think we need that many lifeboats. We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats. The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship. Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
15 seconds, give or take.
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
Is sphere itself.
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
Cuz they lactose.
She’s a nightmare
He's a small medium at large
when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!"
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"