Crosspost. I yam!!
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?” The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.” The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
What’s the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Who don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of the dog.
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
“Son, you’re adopted”.
Son: "Wow really? I'd never have guessed!". Dad: "Im glad you're taking this so well". Son: "Well I did have my suspicions". Dad: "yes yes, anyway go pack your bags, your new parents will be here in 10 minutes".
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
Can’t hear a vitamin
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
What’s the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜