Crosspost
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Not dad jokes…. it’s jokes on dad
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, your dad is pronounced dead. Son:I can't believe I'm pronouncing it wrong all this time.
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
My wife was really pissed when I told her I spent $1,000 on a new wallet……
I told her not to worry I’ll definitely get my money out of it.
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.