CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Until I got kicked out of the library
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)” Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”
It was a pi rated DVD
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads “If you lift this 21″ laptop with your dick, it’s yours!”
… The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him. A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works. Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
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I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
You look for fresh prints.
They're thick and tired of it
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
He got pissed at me because he was trying to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
Cause he has little legs!
I call it the remorse code
It was framed!
Is now a seasoned veteran
An undercover cop.
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
He was sick of me horsing around
Elongate would be really drawn out.