CSS number one!
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
What do you call rednecks up north?
Chillbillies
What is the opposite of adulting?
Just kidding!
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
The answer was no.
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
A frog is born mute
A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to befriend this mute frog and to develop a system of communication with him. Basically the frog blinks once for Yes, twice for No, the tortoise does all the talking and asks all the questions and they get along just fine. Years go by and the frog and the tortoise have fostered a beautiful friendship. But as the frog has gotten older he has become sexually curious and desires to mingle with the other frogs his age. The tortoise senses this one day and asks the frog, ‘do you want me to take you to the pond?’ The frog blinks once for Yes. So the tortoise takes the frog to the pond and starts introducing him to all the other frogs. At first the frog is very nervous but the tortoise does a great job of explaining his disability and all the other frogs are very accepting of his condition. The mute frog ends up making a lot of new friends which boosts his confidence. And then the frog spies across the pond a beautiful girl frog. He can’t take his eyes off of her and the tortoise catches him staring. The tortoise says, ‘You like her, don’t you?’ The frog blinks once. The tortoise says, ‘You want me to go talk to her for you?’ The frog blinks twice for No. ‘I see,’ says the tortoise. ‘You wish you could talk to her yourself.’ The frog blinks once, a single tear rolling down his little frog cheek. ‘Well gee, my friend,’ says the tortoise. ‘We’ve been good friends for so long, I think I owe it to you to find a way to restore your voice.’ And with that the tortoise sets out. The tortoise searches all over the forest for days until one day he meets a snake who just so happened to be the most renowned surgeon of all the land. This snake could perform any surgery that exists. The tortoise explains the situation to the snake and asks him if there’s anything the snake can do for the frog. ‘Yessssss,’ the snake replies. ‘There issss one sssurgery I can perform that may ressstore your friend’sss voice, but you have to undersssstand, it’s very risssky. There’sss a fifty percent chance your friend won’t sssurvive the sssurgery.’ ‘Oh my,’ says the tortoise. ‘I’ll be sure to let him know!’ So the tortoise returns to the frog and tells him the news. ‘There’s this snake who might be able to restore your voice, but it’s a coin toss whether or not you survive the procedure. Do you want to go through with this?’ After a long pause, the frog blinks once for Yes. So a day is set aside for the surgery and on that day all of the creatures of the forest gather around the snake and the frog as the snake prepares his tools and the anesthesia starts to kick in. All the creatures of the forest look on anxiously, knowing that in just a few short moments they’re either going to hear their friend’s voice for the first time, or they’re going to lose him forever. And you’ll never guess what happened next. He croaked!
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
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I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents…
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
The neighbour’s dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything. Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper….
Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. We's sergeants now, so hush your mouth!" So they have their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." "Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" "Well Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver. "No way! Get lost!" replied the boy. "How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked. "I said no way," replied the boy. "What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver. "No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy. "Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered. "No!" replied the boy. "What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver. The boy replied: "Listen, Dad, you bought the Prius, you live with it!"
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.