Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
How do you make an old lady say “Fuck”?
Have another one say "Bingo!"
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
Yesterday I Spotted an Albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a nickel-less cage.
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.