Cult 45…

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
What do houses wear?
Address
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can't beat a royal flush.
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
I had a vasectomy so I won’t have kids
But when I got home, they were still there.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
What’s the difference between Reddit and Instagram?
Reddit fills your mind with thoughts. Instagram fills your mind with thots.
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…

My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
Comic Sans walks into a bar. “Get out of here!” Shouts the bartender…
…”we don’t serve your type!”
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader

Me after finishing an introductory lesson on HTML pretending to understand the posts here
https://ift.tt/33XO0oi
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan…
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.

i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
The Colonel and the Comet
COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS OFFICERS: "TOMORROW EVENING AT APPROXIMATELY 2000 HOURS HALLEY'S COMET WILL BE VISIBLE IN THIS AREA. AN EVENT WHICH OCCURS ONLY ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS. HAVE THE MEN FALL OUT IN THE BATTALION AREA IN FATIGUES AND I WILL EXPLAIN THIS RARE PHENOMENON TO THEM. IN CASE OF RAIN. WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE ANYTHING, SO ASSEMBLE THE MEN IN THE THEATER AND I WILL SHOW THEM FILMS OF IT." EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER: "BY ORDER OF THE COLONEL, TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS, HALLEY'S COMET WILL APPEAR ABOVE THE BATTALION AREA. IF IT RAINS, FALL THE MEN OUT IN FATIGUES, THEN MARCH TO THE THEATER WHERE THIS RARE PHENOMENON WILL TAKE PLACE, SOMETHING WHICH OCCURS ONLY ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS." COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: "BY ORDER OF THE COLONEL IN FATIGUES AT 2000 HOURS TOMORROW EVENING, THE PHENONOMENAL HALLEY'S COMET WILL APPEAR IN THE THEATER. IN CASE OF RAIN, IN THE BATTALION AREA, THE COLONEL WILL GIVE ANOTHER ORDER, SOMETHING WHICH OCCURS ONCE EVERY 75 YEARS." LEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: "TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS, THE COLONEL WILL APPEAR IN THE THEATER WITH HALLEY'S COMET, SOMETHING WHICH HAPPENS EVERY 75 YEARS. IF IT RAINS, THE COLONEL WILL ORDER THE COMET INTO THE BATTALION AREA." SERGEANT TO SQUAD: "WHEN IT RAINS TOMORROW AT 2000 HOURS. THE PHENOMENAL 75 YEAR OLD GENERAL HALLEY, ACCOMPANIED BY THE COLONEL, WILL DRIVE HIS COMET THROUGH THE BATTALION AREA THEATER IN FATIGUES."
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
My 10 year old daughter just told me this one. “What did the green grape say to the purple grape?”
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!" I've never been so proud.