Cumming strait from the underground
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
Why did the tomato quit his job?
Because they weren't paying him a good enough monthly celery.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
[Warning: 18+]
19.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
Then it clicked
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – It’s ok. I can stop anytime
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
All Jews had their foreskins
[removed]
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks