Cure.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given
Why did cheese man choose to become a superhero?
For the grater good.
Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?
Because it keeps Dublin.
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
I once farted in an apple store.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.
I’m more of a so-sopath.
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.
People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
I keep seeing the quote on women’s tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.”
Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.
My wife says she is leaving me because I make geology puns all the time.
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
