Cure.
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
What did the zero say to the 8?
Nice belt
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
My daughter just dropped a dad joke that made me super proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book … and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"
What does a house wear
Adress
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.” Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,“You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.” “It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello! Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss was sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything.” After they finished dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we're bastards?” “Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too.”
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
