Cursed supplies
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way; I don’t even know you!” Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.”
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
This is big brain time…
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large…
so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help. The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous surgeon in the world to get some help. The man asked “Surgeon, is there any surgery you can do to make my penis smaller?” The surgeon said “No, but I think a shaman might be able to help you with your problem.” So the man decided to go to the most famous shaman in the world to get some help. The man asked “Shaman, is there any spell you can cast to make my penis smaller?” The shaman said “I can help you with your problem. All you have to do is ask the most beautiful woman in the world to sleep with you. The man was discouraged after getting so close to his goal, but he decided he had nothing to lose so he went out to find that woman. The man asked the woman “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Ew, no.” The man was about to give up when he realized that his penis shrunk by 5 inches. Curious, he asked the woman again. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman said “Didn’t you just hear me? I said no.” The man’s penis shrunk again by 5 inches. He realized that if he could get the woman to say no one more time, he’d have a 10 inch penis, which was the perfect size. Excited, he asked the woman one final time. “Will you sleep with me?” The woman, enraged, said “Are you deaf? How many times to I have to tell you so that you understand me? NO, NO, NO!”
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you…
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios…"
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
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MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.