It was just collecting dust
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.
Can someone explain to me why tf there’s a patent for the coronavirus?
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
Because they cantaloupe
For Hispanic attacks
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
Then I had a change of heart
They're… hill areas.
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
I'm not joking, but he is.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
A gay couple, Jeremiah and Timothy, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club…
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE…."
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.