Cursed
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
Why couldn’t the keyboard sleep?
Because it has 2 shifts.
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
[NSFW] A black Jewish kid is running back home from school
He asks his father "Dad, am I more black or Jewish?" "Why do you ask?" says the father "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and was wondering if I should talk him down to $40 or just take it."
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am
Is it The same shit different day?
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
Birthday sex
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
What would a boner at a funeral be called?
Mourning wood
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Did you know Rick Astley was a huge Pixar fan? He will lend you any movie except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.