dad
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
No text found
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
Dust
[Removed]
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
german wife bad
Translation:Alexa: ‘Helga, bring Klaus a beer”Most algorithms are programmed by men’https://ift.tt/2H2F8UH
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
I don’t understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
