dad
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
I’m not going to spread it!
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
I am addicted to brake fluid
But I can stop whenever I want.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary…
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him…
As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin! No blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming….that was me."
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
No text found
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.