Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin?
Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him? Dad: He was named in 1706.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19
This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
Is this sub still active?
There hasn’t been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
How the Germans bailed out Greece
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
BECOMING IRISH
Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school.. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mick?" she asked. "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Muslims
My son is so ungrateful,
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
My dad told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”
Great man, terrible geologist