“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face
Because its the scenter
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
If I had a Delorean
I would probably only drive it from time to time
Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice…
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get an air conditioner" "I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor" "Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?" "Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank" "Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh… oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!" Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled… "SUPPLIES!!"
![[NSFW] Triple D Boobs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/sID9hHy-400x659.jpg)
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
