Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
I’ve spent two years looking for my ex’s killer
But no-one will do it.
The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!". The employee replied: -"But I'm not working". They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen: Step-daughter: "I'm hungry." Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad." Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?" Me: "Aw why not, sweets?" Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!" Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore." Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore." I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).
So there’s a new hotel that’s just opened up called 12:59:59pm.
I heard their service is second to one.
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
13 year old me alone in my room after my mom took away my electronics
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey”
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things…. 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 – I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah…. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that? " she demanded. Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said. I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
For a while Harry Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
69 fought 70
71
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.