Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
![[NSFW] Posted by an actual boomer on my facebook](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mzradmnz4j441-400x325.jpg)
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine…
The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing. "God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says. "Things come and things go", the rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?" "Don't mind if I do", the Pope says. The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink. The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbit does not drink his. "Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks. "Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
When you submit shitty code two minutes before the assignment is due for a programming class
https://ift.tt/2KRw7A8
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for Fresh Prints.
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke…
she would have $0.77
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O."
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
What do you call a sheep on wheels?
A Lamborghini.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.