“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
Bert says to Ernie “Would you like some some icecream?”
Ernie replies "Sherbert."
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?
Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
My wife got me a hideous leather jacket, but I don’t mind wearing it.
I’m easily suede.
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
As a doctor, I’ve never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender “how much?”
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
Bob the milkman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
Where does Black Panther stay when he’s in New York?
His wakondo.
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
Batman
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged