Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That’s wasn’t fun, was it?
Son: No, it was Fuck.
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
Win10
Just got done with a company wide upgrade to Windows 10 and let me tell ya. Windows isn’t even compatible with Windows.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her. Stranger: What is your name, sad lady Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it. Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel…
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
You know what jokes are trendy these days ?
Inside jokes.
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
A man goes to a bar and sees a girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
A little boy asked his mother one day…
"Mother, is god a man or a woman?" Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works… And replied "both". The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back. "Mother, is god black or white?" She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied "both". The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back. "Mother, is god gay or straight?" She thought of that aspect and replied "both". The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed "I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!" Note – It's not my joke, only sharing.
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
How did 10 die ?
It was in the middle of 9/11.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
