Dad I’m cold
Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."
There are four kinds of sex.
HOUSE SEX – When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX – After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX – After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX – When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
That Robert Pattinson meme really is everywhere!
No one:Employee to tech support: “My computer is pretty slow”The computer:https://ift.tt/2SrlG9N
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform.
She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.
"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time!!! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
