Dad joke: What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light blue.
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
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The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
"No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the garage."
In honor of Trump’s birthday, here’s a portrait of America’s last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers
The Times are rough
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
What’s your favorite thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and c approach I guess
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it was served warm it would be Justwater
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
An engineer who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.
He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
To spell “panda” all you need is..
.. p and a.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign