Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him…
As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin! No blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming….that was me."
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
If you touch an electric fence on purpose…
…does it still count as a shock?
Hey guys, I’m an engineering student and I just started designing these shirts and hoodies, if you like them, be welcome to support :)
—-bit.ly/2QoVGKQhttps://preview.redd.it/ppq3lobru1741.jpg?width=1362&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b256e5f8360d8f7ec63a0bc9b56ab2e365e5e7chttps://preview.redd.it/w0wsid5wu1741.png?width=474&format=png&auto=webp&s=17eb294daf907213e086eb9862538d198b622e97https://preview.redd.it/mphne05uu1741.png?width=463&format=png&auto=webp&s=90f35493f4e735d87e0bb4b3fae6a944978be5fb
Sperm count
A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!! " The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could open the jar."
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
I met a cow who really didn’t want to pay
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion
A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
A redneck wrestler
has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down. "Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can beat him." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "One more thing," says the coach. "He's got this hold called the Pretzel Hold that no one has ever escaped from. Whatever happens, don't let him get you in the Pretzel Hold cause then it's all over." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "Stay out of the Pretzel Hold." The match starts and in five seconds the redneck is in the Pretzel Hold. A groan goes up from the American spectators and the coach buries his face in his hands, unable to watch. Suddenly, there's a tremendous yell and a thump from the mat and the crowd bursts into cheers and applause. The coach looks up and sees the Russian out cold on the mat and the redneck standing over him. Before he can get up into the ring the crowd rushes in and hoists the redneck into the air, celebrating his victory. Half an hour later, the coach and the redneck are alone and able to talk. "What happened out there?" asks the coach. "I mean, one second you're in the hold, and next thing I know, you've won. How?" "Well," says the redneck, "I don't know how he got me in the hold so fast, but once I was in it, I was pretty much unable to move anything but my head. So, I looked up, and there was a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my face. So, I did the only thing I could do. I craned my neck forward and bit fown." "Ah, so that's how you beat him?" said the coach. "Not exactly," said the wrestler. "You'd be surprised how much strength you have when you've just bitten down on your own testicles."
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.