Dad jokes are the best and i am now gonna write why
Why
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
Buhdum tiss
https://ift.tt/2KD8QSE
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi
I bought a Dog off a Blacksmith the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
I’m going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."