Dad jokes are the best and i am now gonna write why
Why
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
Friend: Your wife and daughter look like they could be twins!
Me: Well, they were separated at birth.
What are Mexican proteins made of?
Amigo acids
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
No text found
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
My dad tried to punch the fog today…
he mist.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
There are two types of people in this world.
Those that finish their sentences and those
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Did you know Dr. Guillotine was killed with his own device because of his incompetence?
Apparently he was in over his head.
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
