Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W… H… O…
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
A husband and wife sit in their bed.
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Trump, in a rare moment of candor, reveals his penis size to President Obama.
https://ift.tt/345zdY2
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Three girls die and go to heaven…
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
My girlfriend sat on my keyboard…
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Some people have trouble sleeping…
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.