“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
I’m debating whether to write “YES” on my left hand and “NO” on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped.
It’s his worst fear – hare loss.
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?
Skipping.
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
No text found
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
No text found
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”