Dad of the Year
I’m deathly afraid of speed bumps,
but I’m slowly getting over it.
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.
And I’ll name the other DupliKate.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
If I had to describe myself in one word..
It would be "bad at following directions"
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
Winnie the
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton…
Time flies like an arrow,
and fruit flies like a banana.
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny