“Dad, was I adopted as a child?”
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you"
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him: "Tell me what happened to your back…?" The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. It was very heavy… That is how I strained my back.!" Later that day, a second patient arrives as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said: "My previous patient looked bad.. But you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you ?" He replied: "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job… I forgot to set my alarm and I was late… I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time. And you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge. I don't know how and where from this fridge fell on me…!!!" Before closing hours, the third patient comes. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is shocked. He asks: "What the hell happened to you..??" The patient replies: "Well, It started like this, I was in a fridge………."
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
Dark humor is like food
Not everyone gets it
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
My little sister just learned how to crack knock knock jokes and she just used this on me
Her: knock knock Me: who's there? Her: eye lo Me: eye lo who? Her: eye lo you This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix.
I said, “No. I have Stranger Things to watch.”
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
I was walking along the other day and stepped in dog shit.
As I was wiping my shoe, I watched another guy also step in it. I said to him "I just did that". He walked over, punched me in the face and screamed, "You disgusting bastard!".
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
Grandma just got (re)married, this is the type of stuff my new Grandpa is sharing.
https://ift.tt/30QJSG1
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
There was a toilet stolen from the police station…
They have nothing to go on My dad texted this to me today
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.