“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
Cashier: Scans Condoms
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
https://ift.tt/2VzdwyN
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
So i got her some diet pills.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide…
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.