Dad would have said “Hi gay, I’m dad!”

What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.

Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
I walked by a store with a sign that said “Television $1- volume stuck on full”
I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.
A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed. It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day. When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits. When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem. It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him. thump thump thump He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace. He hears the sound again, but louder. THUMP THUMP THUMP He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run. The sound grows louder still. THUMP THUMP THUMP As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him. THUMP THUMP THUMP He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered. THUMP THUMP THUMP He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door. THUMP THUMP THUMP He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table. THUMP THUMP THUMP He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it. And the coffin stops.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers. When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it. When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it. When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it. Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
A bear walks into a bar..
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
I lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that I heard that made sense in English.
Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China. The governor: Fine people…I don't know. Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do? Farmer: I'm a farmer. Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government? Without hesitation the farmer says yes.. Xi turns to the governor who isn't convinced. Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course. Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government. Farmer: No. Never. Please don't ask. Xi is confused: But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow? Farmer: I actually have two cows.
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”