Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
Why does Mr. T drive a Tesla?
Because he pities the fuel.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
What kind of music do accountants listen to?
Debt metal
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away…
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed and so did he. There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
What happened to the dull knife’s application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
